Us and Them

Recently I attended a party for the US vs. Ghana soccer game. This was a great opportunity for me to see a bunch of friends I hadn’t seen in a while. From this one soccer team we all played on years ago, friendships developed that became both long lasting and meaningful.

At one time, these people were one of my primary social outlets. I spent vacations with this group of friends, and still consider them some of my closest relationships. Even though I hadn’t seen them in a long time, I found myself laughing and joking with them as I had always done.

After regular play was over I suggested we switch channels and watch “Wonder Pets”. This went over like a Monty Python joke when I was in high school. Everyone knows there is comedy in there somewhere but no one is really sure what it is. Everyone in earshot just looked at me and sort of politely laughed. I even tried to sing the song. “The phone, the phone is ring-ing!” Still nothing.

“Who are wonder’s pets?” “Are they like the beanie babies?”

I wasn’t sure what to say. I thought the joke would really kill. It was then I realized that something had changed. Parents are not like everyone else. We are different. I don’t especially like that I know the Wonder Pets. Or Calliou. Or Handy Manny. But that’s my life. Rather, it’s my kids' life and by association mine as well. I could ask when this happened, but I recognize that is a process that started well before I had children. I know this because I never fought this role. It evolved naturally and makes me feel complete and elated.

My life has changed. My role as a man has changed. My associations and my inner circle of friends revolve around my kids. While there are many concentric circles in our lives, mine seem to be dwindling and getting smaller.

As I mentioned in a previous post, this is not a complaint, but rather a musing on my current life. I would not change this for anything in the world. But I have to realize that there is an “Us” and “Them”. My life as a father is very different than those of my old friends. Beneath my surface is not a cool party guy, or an urban hipster. My wife and I used to enjoy living in the city and going out whenever we could. Right now out favorite place is a sushi restaurant five minutes from out house. Most Friday nights are spent at our community pool with our friends, kids and pizza.

I think I am a cool guy, but just below my façade lives my boys. I carry them with me wherever I go, even if it’s a soccer match with old friends. My life is diaper changing, nap times, play time, eating times and watching Sprout or Nick Jr. I can hold a conversation with my old mates, but eventually my kids come through. I enjoy my friends’ reactions when this happens. They laugh, there’s often an uncomfortable silence, a reassuring nod, recognition that it’s still me, but that a change has occurred.

I look forward to the stories they will tell my boys about me, way back, when their father was cooler.

Celebrations, Concessions and Musings

As my wife and I were talking about upcoming postings and themes for this blog, she raised the issue of concessions. She asked me if I was writing about what I was giving up or what I was getting. In other words, am I celebrating my boys or am I lamenting my loss of a lifestyle I was used to.

In this short dialog, as most are in the presence of our boys, not because we want them to be but because we are usually interrupted by a fight/ injury/ emotional outpour, several issues were raised. One issue was yet another display of the battle of the sexes, at least in my mind. Is it possible that men, more than women, lament the loss of a lifestyle once they have kids? If the answer to this question were no, then I probably would not have much to write about. I believe, that in a subtle, subconscious way, this blog is about this condition, that I keep calling lament.

My wife’s concern was that children should be more of a celebration. I certainly cannot argue this point, but still find myself recognizing that a change has taken place. My journey is to find the emotional middle ground in this meditation.

I celebrate my children every day, internally. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I have a fulfilling career, a loving and supportive wife, and two entertaining, healthy boys. I don’t know exactly how to celebrate externally, without looking a bit freakish (wearing "world's happiest dad" shirt, singing, dancing, etc...), but I am fully aware how lucky I am.

Life does not come without concessions. I have learned this more and more. Everything is a negotiation. I try not to go away for more than a few hours each week kayaking, because I will have to make up those hours to my wife by way of kid duty. If I take four hours on Saturday, she will probably need the same on Sunday. Truthfully I keep score. She probably does not, but I know there will be a price to pay. Everything is a concession or negotiation.

I like to muse on life. This is where the blog will mostly live. As my ancestor, Aristotle, put it, the unexamined life is not worth living. These musings are not meant to be complaints, as my wife was pointing out yesterday. They are really just pointed reflections on one specific topic.

I appreciate your time and your feedback.

The Birth of Cool

When I told my friend I was going to start a blog about being a cool dad, she asked me whom I was going to get to write it. I guess coolness is in the eye of the beholder. I always thought of myself as reasonably cool. I have tattoos. I ride a motorcycle. I work on engines, do some welding and have broken bones over the years doing things like motocross, and surfing. I am educated and work as a teacher in a high school. I have heard students refer to me as cool, doesn’t that qualify me? So there you have it, my friend, I am now going to be the writer of this blog.

In this blog I am going to explore what happens to cool guys when they become fathers. In this first posting, I want to offer the situation I have found myself in regarding motorcycle use. I truly hope that anyone that reads this, that is so inclined, responds to anything I write. One of the things that interests me about blogging is that it is an open forum, almost a dialog, and the power is in the exchange.

As I said, I like my motorcycles. Some might say I have more that an idle appreciation, perhaps it is even unnatural. To me it is more than an object. I enjoy off-road motorcycling. I like being in the woods and on trails. I like being in nature and feeling like I am exploring sites and scenery that you have to work a little harder to find. Because of this, the motorcycle becomes more than just a prop. It is like a camper’s boots, a necessary part of the journey.

I take pride I my motorcycle. I keep it running as best I can. I clean the carbs, change tires and have taught myself basic engine repair so when I am on it in the wilderness, I can usually fix it if something were to happen. In other words, I have spent a fair amount of time with this special beast.

Two and a half years ago, my twin sons were born. This was an incredible event in my life, needless to say, but I really didn’t know how to balance it. I tried to maintain my riding, but found that leaving my family at six in the morning and not returning until seven at night on a Saturday was not going to work. My wife didn’t complain, (that much), but I always felt a sense of loss or missing in the morning as I was leaving. It did not feel right. Eventually I all but cut out the riding. I just felt that the price was too great. I didn’t want to be away on weekends, and I just felt it all slipping. I have since replaced riding with white water kayaking. This I can do in a much shorter amount of time, as I do not have to drive as far and the outings are much shorter.

I have spoken to friends about this and they have faced similar dilemmas. Day before my sons were born I was standing at the top of a trail head trying to find a decent line, and contemplating whether I should try it. My riding partner looked at me and said, “twins dude, that is no joke.” He led me around the trail on a much safer fire road Another friend said he was going to wait and see if his son had an interest in riding in a few years. If he did, then they could make it a family activity and go away on weekends.

These are all good ideas, that I will probably implement. But I still wonder, what have other cool dads done?