Last Easter, in front of my
cousins, and my extended family, I was called on to begin the
traditional prayer. This is an honor mostly reserved for an elder. In
attendance were several of my cousins who are older than me, as well
as my immediate family, which included my father, who has since
passed.
This was an honor for me, and the
symbolism did not go unnoticed. My extended family is large. My
father had four siblings, all of whom had multiple children. We all
get along, but like most big families, have broken into what could
best be described as clans.
This may sound somewhat archaic,
or outdated, but it is still the best way to describe the family unit
that we have. My cousins have their immediate families, which include
children, wives and grandchildren. They now all gather amongst
themselves for holidays, as it had gotten too big for any one person
to host everyone, because we number around one hundred, give or take.
When I was called on to initiate
the prayer it was an acknowledgement from one clan to another that
there was going to be a power shift. It was well known that my father
was dying, and that as the oldest son, I would be the elder of my
clan. There was nothing especially Shakespearian about this power
shift, although I believe that I did see my sister conspiring out of
the corner of my eye (even her name, Renae, is closely related to
Lear’s daughter, Regan!). I still think she’s up to something,
but that suspicion aside, there is not much for a patriarch to do. I
probably will not be called to a war council, and since we are not
inordinately wealthy, there is no real trust to manage, nor a board
to sit on. So what does a patriarch in my situation do?
There is no real answer to this
question because it is not really a formal title. It may be a long
time before the title is widely held by the family at large, and even
longer for there to be concrete assignments. My father would step in
and contact one of us, his children, when he thought we needed
guidance. On one occasion he made me listen to him while he told me
not to buy my house. I remember the phrase he kept repeating, “Do
me this one thing”, as if he were asking for a “sit-down” with
a rival crime family. Needless to say, there was nothing very
dramatic about our talk but he thought it was his duty to have a
conversation with me before I made a big decision. And this is the
heart of the matter. A patriarch is a role of duty and symbolism. It
carries no weight, but like an ambassador, is a recognized role.
It is an honor. As a product of an
immigrant family, the fact that we have survived and flourished is
significant. It is what our ancestors fought for and it is a
testament to their hard work that we are here. To recognize the
patriarch is to recognize the family.
So can I put this on my resume? Of
course not. Does my family treat me differently? Not on a day to day
basis but there are times when the role is apparent. There have been
times when my involvement in family matters have been requested, when
in the past they may not have been.
Being a part of a family goes
beyond my immediate family, and I want my sons to see that. I want
them to know that we are the product of something bigger than us.
They don’t need to carry that message every day, but there will be
times when they need to realize it. They may not be the patriarch,
but they will need to recognize the ones that are, whether it be
their father, their cousins, their uncles, or someday, maybe even
their children.
And in the meantime I’m going to
keep an eye on my sister, who may or may not be conspiring at this
very minute to rally her minions against me. So when I am called upon
to cut the pita on New Year’s Day, one of the few acknowledged
duties of the patriarch, I will be extra careful when she hands me
the knife.