I'm a dufus. But I'm functional, so
sometimes I forget that simple fact. The good news I am also a parent
so I get constant reminders of my inner workings.
This summer, like the past couple of
summers, I have the pleasure of spending the days with my sons. It is
truly a gift. Around May I start thinking about it.
About seven years ago my wife and I
decided I would stay home with the boys rather than work over the
summer. We realized that what I make versus what it cost for them to
be in day care was about equal, but the cost was only one factor. We
also talked about what the boys would gain from me being with them,
and decided I would stay home.
That first year, as the time got
closer, my wife asked me several times if I was alright with the
decision. I assured her I was, but I wasn't sure. She plans
activities, field trips as we call them. In her mind the summer would
be a series of this trips which would be a huge scheduling burden on
someone.
My approach is different; I just wing
it, and while this may seem fun for me, it often lacks focus and
structure. But that didn't scare me; ignorance is bliss. The result
was less than stellar. The boys enjoyed the pool, and for a while
that was fine, but eventually the lack of structure became an issue.
I supplemented it by going to the library and embracing my wife's
“field trip” strategy.
The following summer was much better,
and the boys were able to participate in swim lessons at our
community pool, accompanied by the swim team. This gave us the
structure we needed, once the boys embraced the lessons, which they
found overwhelming at first.
So it should have come as no surprise
to me that one of boys was very reluctant to join the swim team this
year, which is a social mass of youth kicking and splashing water,
lining up and exercising their right to make as much noise as they
can. The team is very successful so there is a strong argument to be
made for enjoyment leading to success.
The issue, however, is that it is
overwhelming, and I saw the look on my one son's face as he watched
the exuberance with hesitation. It was my opportunity as a sensitive
parent to recognize the signs on his face and change course. Or fight
him on it.
He simply did not want to participate.
As the days went by I took it as an official challenge to my
authority. I became angry. When my wife suggested private lessons I
explained that swim team was the lesson! It was perhaps one of my
worst parenting moments.
The only thing that made it worse was
the similar reaction later that week he gave to receiving laughing
gas for cavity fillings in his teeth. He refused the dentist’s
remedy, and I again saw this as a personal affront, even thought he
dentist assured me that some children don't even make it to the
chair, which my son did. It was the mask that he found so
disagreeable.
I kept wondering where this
stubbornness, and pseudo reckless behavior, was coming from. And more
importantly, who was he to challenge me?
These of course were gross
overreactions, and a bit of misplaced intent. My son isn't calculated
or conniving. He is scared, and I just couldn't get my head around
that. Fear is an inhibitor, but as an adult it takes on a different
connotation. It becomes an amalgamation of past experiences and
memories that contribute to impulses we don't always understand. For
my son it was much more basic. He was just scared, and it's not up to
me to always help him struggle through it, a therapist can do that
when he is older and strores up some more hostility towards me.
Sometimes I just need a “Plan B”, as my wife continues to remind
me.
Plan B for swimming is private
lessons, which have worked out magically and gives me warmth when I
see a smile on his face every time he gets in the water. Plan B for
the dentist is just to wait. There really isn't much more to it than
that. Sadly I lost sight of these basic practices, because, I'm a
dufus.